The Alleluiah in my ears

(Image : Soul card 44, SG, 2007)

(I have taken this post out of the dungeons, sorry if you already read it, a year ago. Thought it might help some people.)

There is a constant ringing in my ears.

It is a medical condition known as tinnitus, or acufens. So, what is tinnitus ? (…)”Tinnitus can be perceived in one or both ears or in the head. It is usually described as a ringing noise, but in some patients it takes the form of a buzzing, hissing, humming, or whistling sound; or as ticking, clicking, roaring, “crickets,” tunes, songs, or beeping. It has also been described as a “whooshing” sound, as of wind or waves.” (Wikipedia).

 I have the “refrigerator” kind of beeping sound, going on 24/7, even when I sleep. The first time it happened, I remember I was on my bed, and Ziiiiiiiiiiiiing!

 It never stopped. That was twelve years ago.

The first month I thought I would go crazy, I wanted to get that thing OUT of my ears! I wanted the blessed silence again. I was not resigned AT ALL. I hated that noise with a frenzy! So I went to my lady medic, who told me in no uncertain terms : “You can´t cure it, you know. You will have to learn to live with it.” ….WHOT??? And then she added (smiling at my reaction), “Do you want me to recommend a psychotherapist?” Very funny. I am a psychotherapist, THANK you.

It´s been over ten years. And you know what, I actually learned to live with it! What a learning curve that was!… At first, I tried everything, white noise, music (walking around with earphones), yoga, meditation (which I was doing anyway). Then suddenly one day… I realized that I hadn´t really heard the ringing for several hours, though it was still there. And that gave me the key to my own sort of healing with the matter (though I now know that it is true that it cannot be cured) : I don´t listen to the noise anymore. It is just there, as a part of my daily symphony, with images, thoughts, the rushing of the blood, all that stuff that is happening in the body, every single second of the day. You CAN live with tinnitus, you know. Though that seems impossible at first. You won´t cure the damn thing, but you can flow WITH it.

Now every time I become conscious of the wooshing/buzzing/ticking “refrigerator”, I think of it as my own personal *Alleluiah” in celebration of LIFE. And then, blessedly, I forget about it. People do not even need to know, it doesn´t show at all. And yes, I DO sleep well, thank you. …

And so, what prompted me to write this entry ? What prompted me to “come out of the closet”, lol? Well, my daughter´s English boy-friend, Adam, who is living with us here in Spain, has an accent that I do not quite understand sometimes (He´s from Kent). So I have to make an extra effort to listen, and besides, the wooshing sometimes just drowns his words, and I find myself saying… “Sorry? Can you repeat that, please?” more than I would like. The young man, being extremely polite, doesnt seem to mind too much, – but…I feel a bit uncomfortable, so I wanted him to know “my secret” (The Alleluiah In My Ears, lol)…

To my fellow tinnitus sufferers, I really want to extend hope. You can and you will, someday, integrate this particularity, as you have integrated a few extra pounds or the wart on your nose. Doesn´t mean anything, and it certainly won´t keep you from enjoying your life.

Blessings!

The Lady in Lothlórien.